Enette vs Roach-Enette:1, Roach:0

I couldn’t bear to grab it even if wrapped in a thick paper towel so I tried to think of any tools I could turn into giant chopsticks. But first I had to get it out from under the toilet bowl. I threw some tissue over it and used the toilet brush to pull it toward me but only the paper moved, revealing the larger-than-my-thumb insect. I screamed! Did it move?! Ahhh!! It felt very stupid hearing the echo of my helpless yelps in the empty apartment, it’s a little like if a tree fell in the forest and nobody heard it fall, did it really fall? Well no, not the same but you get what I mean.

I tried to psych myself up: Come on! This is part of independent living! You’re a strong single girl! Dealing with stuff like this will make you tougher!(Really? THIS is my training?)I realised the irrationality of my fears when telling myself how stupid I was being and how big I was compared to the older-than-dinosaurs species did not work. I was trembling with the fear of removing a dead roach 1/7432094324039284935436th my size. I needed another plan.

There was a guy I knew who lived in the same condo as me. I hadn’t spoken to him in awhile but this was an emergency!

[Blah blah introductions]
Me: I have a problem…
Mario: What? Tell me, tell me!
Me: erm, there is a giant cockroach in my bathroom and I’m really really scared.
Mario: Is it dead?
Me: Yes, but I’m too scared to get rid of it!
Mario: Ok, let me give you the strength, I will talk you through it.
Me: No, no, I’ve tried, I just can’t do it.
Mario: Ok, but I will be back from work only at 8.30pm (it was 6pm) so you will have to wait.
Me: That’s alright, thank you, thank you!!

After we hung up I decided I should probably just make myself some dinner while I waited but I couldn’t bear to leave the crime scene. Every two seconds I’d peak to see if it was still there. I paced up and down. This couldn’t wait, it had to be removed now! I decided the concierge was my next best option.

[same conversation as Mario with college-age boy on duty]
CAB: er, I can call maintenance for you
Me thinking: ha! he is probably just as scared as I am!
[on the phone with maintenance muffled at first]
CAB: Yes, a cockroach. Yes, she wants it removed. Yes.
CAB: He’ll meet you upstairs.

[Upstairs, letting my friend, Leah, comfort me over the phone with worse stories of rat encounters. Then there's a knock on the door]
Maintenance man (old, possibly russian dude): I’m not paid to do this! I’m an engineer!
Me: I know, I’m sorry but I’m very very scared! I’ll give you a beer!
Maintenance: I don’t drink.
Me: oh. [quickly leading him to the toilet]

The old man gets on his knees and grabs the dead creature with the paper towel barely covering it and proceeds to walk out of the apartment with it. I thank him profusely.

Me: Is there anything I can do for you? (like he’d just saved my life)
Maintenance: No, it’s ok.
Me: Thank you soooo much! Have a nice evening! (as if walking about with a dead cockroach in hand could ever be a great start)

After that I called Mario and told him he didn’t need to come anymore but we could go get drinks. I was so relieved I tell ya. Now I need to get me some tools so that if it ever happens again, I can handle it myself!